feathers

I’m in the back yard of the house i grew up in. There’s some kind of festival? I keep finding bird feathers to collect. I have a good many feathers in my hand plus the quilt i’m carrying. The feathers are all different colors. I'm especially happy i found a red one because i never find red ones. I also have several little yellow ones and i wonder if they're from wild canaries. I decide i need a big bag to put the quilt and the feathers in. Now i'm in the mall i go to sometimes in dreams and walking up the stone floor. There's a fountain with some stone benches around it. I drop some of my feathers and i’m scrambling to pick them up before people walk on them. There's a girl sitting on the bench next to where i’m kneeling and comments about the pretty feathers. I tell her how a person from my work told me it was illegal to have wild bird feathers but that i didn’t see why there was anything wrong with it. She said she thought it was so Indians wouldn’t kill eagles for their ceremonies. I thought that since so many eagles are in zoos that Indians should automatically get any eagle feather that is dropped in zoo pens and she thought that was a good idea.

I’ve been finding lot of feathers from migrating birds lately. Plus Mike and i stopped at the pet store on Kildaire Farm Road after dinner yesterday and there was a sweet young green bird that was so lonely. It was squawking and carrying on so that i had to spend my time with it even though i wanted to visit with the rats. Poor little bird. There was another beautiful mostly blue bird. The sign said it was a love bird. I’ve never seen a blue love bird before! Pretty I wish i could’ve bought the blue love bird and the sad crying bird.

The other night i dreamed about Janet. I can’t remember how we were together but we were in ?her apartment kitchen (i think it was Lynn’s apartment really from when i knew him) and she was telling me how being married to Lynn didn’t turn out how she thought it would be. I exclaimed “you had a CHILD with him!” and was annoyed because i remembered she complained about her first husband when i first met her and wondered if Lynn was as unhappy as she was.

Lynn. He was my pal. I wanted him to love me but he wanted a mother woman. Janet was just like his mom and i couldn’t hold a candle to that. That dream stays with me. Me and Lynn standing on the shore of an ocean. Hundreds of dead blue birds are lying around me and the ocean is smooth and blue and calm as glass. He chose the calm blue safety over joy. I hope he’s not miserable with that choice. Is there such thing as a man that doesn’t want his mommy as his lover?

I’m at work (but it’s not my real office) and some of the nurses (Lana, Sheila, and one other – Joy? Kathy?) are doing something with envelopes. I ask if i can help them and Lana gives me a list, some greeting cards, and some objects like origami party favors. She wants me to address the cards to the names on the list and sign the cards. The people on the list are Medicaid ?dialysis patients and the nurses want to send them cards to let them know that they’re more than just dialysis claims to us. I think it’s a very nice thing to do because the nurses are usually so selfish and don’t think of anybody but themselves but i’m also embarrassed because my handwriting is so horrible and i know that Lana and Sheila have beautiful handwriting. I ask Lana if it would be okay with her if i just prepare the envelopes by putting the party favors inside and she and Sheila sign the cards. She accepts my compromise and i go over to the large wooden shelves to begin preparing the envelopes.

Those were the same wooden shelves as my dream from a few nights ago. I think there were feathers in this dream too. Origami out of feathers?